Yes, You really CAN Snap An iPad In Half…..Almost!
The voicemail came in at about 11 PM. Normally it takes me a day or two to even notice that I have a voicemail waiting – but the missed call from home and resulting message popped up on my screen and piqued my curiosity. I was away at my college reunion and had left Jeff at home to referee the three kids for the weekend. In those younger parenting days, Jeff was usually awesome at not interrupting my fun when I had a rare “get out of jail free” card. So I wondered what small catastrophe was unfolding on the home front that would necessitate a phone call AND a voicemail.
I excused myself from my college buddies and went to find a quiet place to hear the message.
Within moments, the sniffly, weepy voice of my oldest son came through the speaker, “Mmm Mmm Mom? Dad sna-naa-napped the iPad over his knee. I gu-guess he wa-was angry that we were fighting over it, b-b-but it’s…..it’s ruined,” he paused as his voice choked up with despair, “I just thought you sh-should know. We are really sorry, b-b but…the iPad…,” and then his voice trailed off into sobs before finally saying “I hope you’re having a fun time at your college. G-Good night Mom,” and I could hear his heaving chest before he hung up the phone.
I chuckled to myself. Well, this should be a good story, I thought as I dialed Jeff’s cell. I was ready to start with a sympathetic “what happened?” or “sounds like it’s been a rough night,” but before I could even say hello, Jeff answered the phone with an exasperated, yet slightly pleased:
“YES! It is INDEED possible to snap an iPad over your knee. Was it my proudest moment? Nope, but I figured it was MY $500 to waste and to be honest, I am glad to have that fucking thing out of our lives for the time being!”
So there you have it! You could throw 5 crisp $100 bills into a fire and watch them burst into flames – but how could that ever compare to the pleasure of snapping an iPad in half as your three children who were just moments before bickering at each other and grabbing and tugging at the sleek device, now watched in silent horror as the glass screen splintered and the metal bent and contorted over the firm knee of their father?!
We parents have to go to extreme measures sometimes to get these valuable lessons firmly embedded in our children’s brains. And when it comes to technology – no measure seems extreme enough!
Wow, “The Gods Must Be Crazy” indeed! That old 1980 movie was a charming success and catapulted the Bushmen of the Kalahari into sudden, unwanted stardom as the deeper meaning of the Coke Bottle falling from the sky – originally seeming like a gift from the gods, but ultimately being the root of unrest and evil within the tribe – revealed itself to us “civilized beings.” If you have never seen this film, by all means, do so! Not only is the humor appealing to all ages, but the poignant messages still resonate 40 years later as we battle the all-invasive nature of technology in our lives – especially our children’s lives. These devices are this culture’s “Coke Bottle”.
Jeff and I proudly admit that we have “lost our shit” with these pervasive devices many times. One time I ripped Grace’s cell phone out of her fingers as she idiotically posed in front of my bathroom mirror for yet another selfie. I hurled the phone through the bathroom door – the soft mattress and down comforter of the bed my desired target, but the sudden rush of adrenalin in my anti-selfie protest amped my arm strength up several levels – and the shiny iPhone, encased in its protective armor, ricocheted off the wooden headboard and shattered – despite the “Life Case” or whatever the hell it was called.
What sort of insanity has led us “civilized beings” to such acts of violent and barbaric behavior? How have we allowed ourselves to be convinced that these “tools of learning and communication” are actually necessary in our lives? What’s more, we adults endorse the insanity by repeatedly shelling out hundreds, even thousands of dollars for these small, glowing screens, and then say “Oh yes! And sign me up for an eternal monthly service bill too!” And then we wonder why they have taken over our family life.
All these years later, after the first “snapped” iPad, I’m more frustrated than ever with everyone’s obsession with all of this connectivity – but I am as guilty as the next person. I really would like to take the whole bundle of phones, tablets, charging cords, charging cubes and discarded cases that have accumulated in our home – oh yeah, and the Xboxes and Playstations that facilitate the “Mind Crack”, “Fort Heroin” and “Pokeman Go To Hell” addictions - then walk to the end of the earth, like that wise Bushman in the movie, and throw the whole lot off the side into the great abyss. But who has time to do that dammit?!
I wonder if someday cell phones will be regarded like cigarettes, originally thought of as harmless but later plastered with Surgeon General warnings and lawsuits launched against the all-powerful manufacturers. History will eventually show the direction this insanity took – and what we “educated, civilized” humans decided to do about it. In the meantime, the addicted world trudges forward.
Society now frowns upon spanking children, so I suppose if the poor iPad has to take over the role of being “bent over the knee” and smacked, I say, “BRING IT!” It’s the best $500 you’ll ever waste!
Expose The Absurd. Laugh At Yourself. Get Real. Be The Black Sheep.
- EWE BEE U
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